Supporting Anxious Children and Teens: What Parents and Caregivers Need to Know
Supporting Anxious Children and Teens: What Parents and Caregivers Need to Know
At Gather Counselling, we recently hosted a webinar for parents and caregivers about childhood anxiety. We explored what it looks like, why it happens, and most importantly, how adults can support young people through it. You can watch it here.
As counsellors, parents, former educators, and people who deeply care about children and families, we know how overwhelming it can feel to watch a child struggle with anxiety. We also know that many parents leave conversations about anxiety with information, but not always with practical tools they can use in daily life.
Our goal for this workshop was simple: to offer compassionate, evidence-based strategies that families can begin using right away.
First: Anxiety Is Not the Enemy
One of the most important things we discussed is that anxiety itself is not “bad.”
Anxiety is part of being human. It’s our built-in alarm system (the fight, flight, or freeze response) that helps us prepare for challenges and respond to danger. A little anxiety before a test, presentation, or new experience can actually help us focus and perform.
Anxiety becomes more concerning when:
It feels excessive or constant
It interferes with daily life
The response seems much bigger than the situation
Avoidance starts taking over
The growing need for youth mental health support is reflected in national data: Statistics Canada found that the percentage of youth reporting "fair" or "poor" mental health increased from 12% in 2019 to 26% in 2023. When anxiety becomes overwhelming, children begin to overestimate danger and underestimate their ability to cope. That’s often where support is needed most.
What Anxiety Can Look Like in Kids and Teens
Anxiety in children and teens doesn’t always look the way adults expect. Sometimes it shows up as obvious worry or fear, but other times it appears through physical symptoms, irritability, meltdowns, or avoidance. Children experiencing anxiety may complain of stomachaches or headaches, have difficulty sleeping, or describe feeling hot, shaky, or like their heart is racing. Emotionally, anxiety can look like nervousness, anger, tearfulness, irritability, or simply feeling overwhelmed.
Behaviorally, anxious children may begin avoiding school, activities, or social situations. They might seek constant reassurance, procrastinate on tasks that feel stressful, refuse to participate in activities, or have emotional outbursts that seem disproportionate to the situation. We often remind parents and caregivers that behavior is communication. A child who appears oppositional, angry, or “dramatic” may actually be struggling with anxiety underneath the surface.
Understanding the Anxiety Cycle
One of the most helpful frameworks we shared was the anxiety cycle.
It often looks like this:
Trigger → Worry → Physical Symptoms → Avoidance → Temporary Relief → Stronger Anxiety Later
For example, a child may feel anxious about giving a class presentation. They begin worrying that they’ll embarrass themselves, their stomach hurts, and eventually they ask to stay home from school.
In the short term, staying home brings relief. But the brain learns: Avoidance kept me safe.
Over time, this strengthens the anxiety and makes future situations feel even harder. This is why gently helping children face fears gradually, with support, is so important.
Parents and Caregivers Matter More Than They Realize
One thing we emphasized throughout the workshop is this: Parents and caregivers are usually doing the very best they can.
Parenting anxious children can feel exhausting. Many adults second-guess themselves or wonder if they caused their child’s anxiety somehow. We want to say clearly: a child’s anxiety is not a measure of your worth as a parent.
Children come into the world with their own personalities, sensitivities, experiences, and nervous systems. At the same time, they do look to adults for cues about safety, coping, and emotional regulation.
That’s why one of the most powerful things caregivers can do is work on regulating themselves first.
Regulation Comes Before Reasoning
We introduced a framework from Dr. Bruce Perry called the “Three Rs”:
1. Regulate
Before problem-solving, children need help feeling emotionally and physically safe.
This may mean:
Taking deep breaths together
Using movement
Reducing stimulation
Offering calm presence
Giving space if needed
Children cannot effectively regulate while the adults around them are highly dysregulated too.
2. Relate
Once a child is calmer, connection comes next.
This looks like:
Listening without immediately fixing
Validating emotions
Offering gentle curiosity
Communicating safety and support
Children often need to feel understood before they can move toward solutions.
3. Reason
Problem-solving usually comes later. Sometimes much later!
This is when families can:
Set boundaries
Brainstorm coping strategies
Discuss expectations
Reflect on what helped
Trying to reason with a highly anxious or emotionally flooded child rarely works because the thinking part of the brain is temporarily offline.
“Macaroni and Cheese”: A Simple Way to Support Kids
One of our favorite parenting tools from the workshop was what we jokingly called the “macaroni and cheese” approach. This is based on the work of the SPACE program (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), which is an evidence-based, parent-focused treatment developed to help children and adolescents with anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and related conditions.
Supportive parenting statements need two ingredients:
The Macaroni: Validation
“I know this feels really hard.”
The Cheese: Confidence
“And I know you can handle it.”
Children need both.
Too much validation without confidence can unintentionally reinforce anxiety. Too much encouragement without validation can feel dismissive.
Together, they communicate:
“I understand.”
“I believe in you.”
Helping Kids Name Their Feelings
Another strategy we discussed came from Dr. Dan Siegel’s concept of “Name It to Tame It.”
When children can put feelings into words, it helps calm the brain and reduce emotional overwhelm.
Simple phrases can help:
“It looks like you’re feeling worried.”
“I wonder if your body feels scared right now.”
“That seemed really frustrating.”
The goal isn’t to perfectly identify the emotion. The goal is helping children build awareness and language around their internal experience.
Over time, this helps them feel more capable and less overwhelmed by anxiety.
Anxiety Lives in the Body Too
Anxiety isn’t only thoughts. It's physical too. That’s why body-based coping strategies can be incredibly effective, especially during moments of high distress.
Some examples we discussed included:
Temperature
Cold water on hands
Going outside
Removing layers
Movement
Jumping jacks
Running
Dancing
Wall push-ups
Breathing
Slow, paced breathing with longer exhales helps signal safety to the nervous system.
Sensory and Heavy Work
Weighted blankets
Pushing or carrying heavy objects
Crunchy snacks
Chewing gum
Sensory tools or fidgets
We encouraged parents to become “detectives” about their child, This means noticing what helps their nervous system settle and building personalized coping toolkits together.
Progress Happens in Small Moments
One of the most important takeaways from the evening was this:
You do not need to eliminate your child’s anxiety.
You only need to help them feel supported enough to face it.
The small moments matter:
Pausing before reacting
Staying calm during meltdowns
Offering validation
Helping children put feelings into words
Showing confidence in their ability to cope
None of these moments need to be perfect. What matters most is that children experience the adults in their lives as steady, safe, and supportive.
If You’re Looking for More Support
At Gather Counselling, we work with children, teens, parents, and caregivers using developmentally appropriate approaches including:
Talk therapy
Parent support sessions
SPACE-informed parent coaching (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions)
Most importantly, we want parents and caregivers to know they are not alone in this work.
Supporting anxious children can feel hard, but with understanding, connection, and practical tools, meaningful change is possible.