Avoiding or Coping?

When stress hits, we all reach for something. Sometimes it’s a grounding breath, and sometimes it’s a quick escape. Coping and avoidance can look surprisingly similar, but the impact they have on our well-being is very different. Coping helps us face what’s hard with support, intention, and small steps forward. Avoidance brings momentary relief but often leaves us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or further away from what matters.

At Gather Clinical Counselling, this topic often comes up with our clients. This post explores how to tell the difference, why avoidance is so tempting, and how gentle shifts toward coping can create more clarity, confidence, and calm over time.

Coping or Avoiding: Which is Your Go-To?

Hands up if you know what it’s like to hit a stressful moment and immediately reach for your phone or grab a cookie or scream into your pillow or start furiously cleaning the bathroom. Our hands are up for sure!

Sometimes we take a deep breath, talk to someone we trust, or face the situation head-on. Other times, we grab the laptop, switch on a show, scroll for a while, or mentally check out.

Both reactions bring temporary relief. The tricky part is that, on the surface, coping and avoidance can look almost identical. But they’re not the same, and learning the difference can make a huge impact on your well-being.

What is coping?

Coping is what helps us stand in the same space as our stress without being overwhelmed by it. It’s anything that helps us manage our feelings, understand what’s going on, or take a step forward.

Healthy coping might look like:

• Talking things out instead of bottling them up

• Making a plan for something that feels unmanageable

• Taking time to regulate body and/or breath

• Finding meaning or perspective in the situation

Coping doesn’t mean we feel calm right away. It just means we’re engaging with the problem, either emotionally or practically, rather than running from it.

Over time, coping tends to make us feel more grounded, more capable, and more connected to ourselves.

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is the opposite. It’s not about working with the stress; it’s about stepping around it. That work around can feel comforting in the moment, which is why so many of us rely on it.

Avoidance often shows up as:

• Procrastinating on something we know needs attention

• Keeping ourselves busy so we don’t have to think

• Numbing out with screens, food, substances, or sleep

• Steering clear of certain conversations or places

Avoidance buys short-term relief at a long-term cost. The thing being avoided tends to grow heavier, scarier, or more complicated the longer it stays untouched.

This doesn’t happen because we’re “doing it wrong.” Avoidance is a human response. It’s our nervous system trying to keep us safe, at least in the short term. It just doesn’t usually pay off in the long run and can sometimes lead to more stress.

How can you tell which one you’re using?

You can check in with yourself about what might be happening. None of these questions are about judging yourself; they’re simply ways to notice what’s going on beneath the surface. Ask yourself:

1. Is this helping me move towards the issue or away from it?

Coping nudges you forward, even if it’s a tiny step. Avoidance helps you dodge the discomfort altogether.

2. Am I getting relief and some sense of progress? Or just relief?

If all you’re getting is a temporary breather with no clarity, plan, or emotional shift, it may be avoidance.

3. Does this feel intentional or automatic?

While coping often involves making a choice, avoidance is usually on autopilot. 

4. How do I feel afterward?

After coping, people often feel steadier or more capable. After avoidance, it’s common to feel a bit stuck, guilty, or disconnected. Sometimes you may feel worse as the avoidance continues.

It is tempting to avoid.

Avoidance gets a bad reputation, but it’s a protective reflex. When something feels threatening, emotionally or otherwise, our brains try to shield us from it, which is an ingrained neurological process that helps us when we are in immediate danger. Many people have heard of the fight-or-flight response and how our brains work to keep us safe in an immediately threatening situation. While this response may have served us well in the Stone Age, it doesn’t help in modern times. It doesn’t make the threat smaller; it just delays our encounter with it.

Stepping back can be fine. But it becomes a problem when it is the only strategy we employ.

Fight or flight.

Avoidance makes even more sense when we understand it as part of the fight or flight response. When our nervous system senses danger, whether it’s an actual threat or an uncomfortable feeling, it tries to help us escape. That’s why things like opening an email, having a difficult conversation, or feeling sadness can suddenly feel overwhelming.

From a trauma-informed perspective, this isn’t a failure; it’s protection. Our body may be reacting to old wounds or learned patterns. Avoidance is the nervous system saying, Let’s keep you safe. The problem is that we usually don’t need to be protected from emotional “threats,” and they don’t disappear when we avoid them.

Coping, on the other hand, teaches the nervous system that discomfort can be tolerated. Small, supported steps send the message: I can be with this feeling and still be safe.

To shift from avoidance to coping, start small!

Here are a easier places to begin:

1. Name what’s happening

Sometimes just saying, “I’m anxious and trying to avoid this,” breaks the spell.

2. Shrink the task

If something feels too big, break it into pieces until the first step feels more manageable.

3. Approach the discomfort for a few minutes

You don’t have to dive in. Maybe you explore the feeling, read the unread email, or plan the conversation just for five minutes. Feelings are messages for us, and sometimes when we can sit in the feeling for a few minutes, it will fade or soften.

4. Build tolerance for uncomfortable emotions

Think of this step like building muscle. Grounding, breathwork, and other regulatory tools can help us stay present without feeling overwhelmed.

5. Seek support

Therapy is a safe space to unpack avoidance without shame and to learn coping tools that actually work.

You are not alone.

If you’ve been caught in a cycle of avoidance, you’re not alone. Many people try therapy when avoidance becomes exhausting or takes a toll (mentally, physically, in our interactions with others). It’s absolutely possible to build healthier, more sustainable coping strategies with support.

Is it time to ask for help to navigate this process?

Gather Clinical Counselling is here to support you. Reaching out is often the first real step towards feeling more grounded and more in control of your life.

Contact us to book a free consultation with one of our wonderful therapists, and learn more about the counselling process.

The Power of Routines

We talk a lot about mental health in our practice. The ups and downs, the coping skills, the big feelings. But one thing that often gets overlooked is how much the everyday stuff matters. How the small, steady things we do, like brushing our teeth, getting to bed on time, or making that first cup of coffee, quietly shape how we feel.

At Gather Clinical Counselling, we’ve seen time and time again that routines can be a powerful way to support mental health. They bring rhythm and steadiness to days that might otherwise feel scattered or stressful. Let’s take a closer look at why routines matter, and how to build ones that actually fit your life.

The Power of Routines for Mental Health

Sometimes we think of routines as boring, something that takes the fun or spontaneity out of life. But the truth is, routines aren’t meant to box us in. When done with intention, they actually give us freedom: freedom from stress, from chaos, and from the mental clutter that can weigh us down.

Whether you’re a teen juggling school, friends, and online life, or an adult trying to keep up with work, family, and responsibilities, having routines that support your mental health can make a real difference. Let’s explore why routines matter, how they affect your mental wellbeing, and how to build ones that truly serve you.

Why Routines Matter

Routines are the rhythm of daily life, the patterns that shape how we move through our days. Even when we don’t think we have routines, when we look closely, we find that we do. The time you reach for your phone in the morning, the route you take to work or school, when you eat, scroll, and rest. These are all small rituals!

The question isn’t whether you have routines, but whether they help you feel grounded and supported, or whether they leave you feeling drained and disconnected.

Healthy routines act as anchors. They give your mind and body signals that it’s time to focus, time to rest, or time to recharge. When life feels uncertain, whether it’s a stressful week, a big transition, or a tough mental health moment, routines can offer a sense of stability.

The Mental Health Benefits of Routine

1. Reduces anxiety and decision fatigue
   Every day, we make hundreds of tiny decisions: what to wear, when to eat, whether to go for a walk or check social media. It adds up. Routines reduce the number of small choices you have to make, freeing up mental space. The more predictable your basic habits are, the more energy you have for creativity, problem-solving, and connection.
   

2. Supports better sleep
   Going to bed and waking up at consistent times helps regulate your body’s internal clock. A predictable sleep routine signals to your brain when it’s time to wind down, making it easier to fall asleep and wake feeling rested. If you’re interested in learning more about sleep routines, check out our blog or join our group Drift: Reset Your Sleep, if you’d like to explore healthy routines together.
   

3. Improves focus and productivity
   Routines create structure, which helps you build momentum. If you start your day with a few intentional habits, even simple ones like stretching or making your bed, your brain gets the message that it’s time to engage.
   

4. Encourages self-care
   When you build self-care into your routine, it’s less likely to slip through the cracks. A consistent morning walk, weekly therapy session, or scheduled downtime isn’t just “nice to have”. It becomes part of your rhythm, a signal to yourself that your wellbeing matters.
   

5. Creates a sense of safety and control
   During times of stress or uncertainty, routines can be soothing. They remind you that there are still things you can influence: your breath, your daily rituals, your choices. That sense of agency is powerful for mental health.

Routines vs. Rigid Schedules

It’s easy to confuse routine with rigidity. But a healthy routine isn’t about following a strict schedule down to the minute. It’s about consistency and intention, not perfection.

Rigid schedules can sometimes backfire, especially if you live with anxiety, ADHD, or depression. When life doesn’t go according to plan, it’s easy to feel like you’ve failed. Flexible routines, on the other hand, give structure and room for compassion.

Think of your routine as scaffolding rather than a box, something that supports you, not something that traps you.

How to Build a Routine That Works for You

Creating a routine that supports your mental health doesn’t mean overhauling your entire life. Start small. Choose one or two areas where a little consistency might help you feel more balanced. Here’s how to begin:

1. Start with what’s already working

Notice what parts of your day feel calm, grounded, or satisfying. Maybe you feel better after your morning coffee, journaling, a hot shower, or a short walk. Build on those moments.

2. Anchor your day around key points

Morning, mealtimes, and bedtime are natural anchors for routine. You might decide to add one simple ritual to each:

• Morning: take a few deep breaths before checking your phone.

• Afternoon: eat lunch away from your desk.

• Evening: write down one thing you’re grateful for before bed.

3. Keep it realistic

Set yourself up for success. A five-minute routine you can keep is more valuable than a 30-minute one you abandon. If your goal is to meditate, start with three minutes. If you want to journal, start with one line.

4. Make it meaningful

Choose routines that connect you to your values. If creativity matters to you, make time to draw or write. If relationships are important, schedule regular time with friends or family. When routines reflect what you care about, they’re easier to stick with.

5. Be flexible

Life changes. Routines can, too. What works during the school year might shift in summer; what helps you during a stressful period might look different when things calm down. Revisit and adjust as needed.

When Routine Becomes a Pressure

Sometimes, even helpful routines can turn into another source of stress. You might feel guilty if you don’t stick to them, or anxious if something disrupts your plan.

If that happens, pause and take a gentle approach. The point of a routine isn’t to perform it perfectly; it’s to support your wellbeing. If you miss a day, it’s okay. You haven’t failed. You’ve just had a human moment!

You can always return to your rhythm or create a new one that fits where you are now.

Building Routines in Hard Times

When you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, grief, or burnout, even small tasks can feel overwhelming. In those times, routines can help, but they need to be especially gentle and flexible.

If you’re in a tough place, try this:

• Focus on one small anchor. Pick a single action you can count on, like brushing your teeth, opening the curtains, or making your bed.

• Pair it with compassion. Speak to yourself the way you would to a friend: “This is enough for today.”

• Lean on support. If you have a therapist, mentor, or trusted friend, talk through what kind of structure feels doable. Sometimes, routines work best when they’re created together.

The Freedom Within Routine

It might sound paradoxical, but having a consistent structure actually creates space for more spontaneity and creativity. When the basics like sleep, nourishment, and self-care are taken care of, your mind is freer to explore and take healthy risks.

Routines give you a foundation, so when unexpected things happen (as they always do), you have something steady to return to. In this way, routines become a form of self-trust, a quiet promise to yourself that you’ll keep showing up, even in small ways.

A Few Questions to Reflect On

If you’d like to explore your relationship with routine, here are a few prompts to journal or think about:

• What parts of my day help me feel calm or grounded?

• Where do I feel rushed, scattered, or stuck?

• What small change could make my day flow a little more smoothly?

• How can I bring more compassion into the way I approach routine?

Your Routine, Your Way

Routines aren’t about living life on autopilot; they’re about creating rhythms that support your mental and emotional health. When done thoughtfully, they can help you feel more balanced, energized, and resilient.

So start small. Pick one moment in your day to make intentional. Build from there. Over time, those small, steady choices can add up to something powerful,  a life that feels a little calmer, a little clearer, and a lot more your own.

We know that finding and keeping a routine isn’t always easy, especially when life feels unpredictable or heavy. But small, intentional steps can go a long way. You don’t have to do it perfectly, you just have to start where you are.

If you’d like some help creating routines that feel supportive rather than stressful, we’d love to work with you. Our therapists at Gather Clinical Counselling can help you find rhythms that fit your real life, not just your to-do list. Because the best routines aren’t about control, they’re about care.

Why We Sleep and How to Sleep Better

Clinical counsellors Laurie Parker and Theresa Jackson, based at Gather Clinical Counselling in Victoria, BC, combine neuroscience and therapeutic practices to offer a comprehensive look at sleep - how it works in the brain, why it matters for mental health, and what you can do when sleep isn’t coming easily. 

As counsellors practicing here in Victoria, we regularly see how deeply sleep affects our clients’ emotional resilience, mental clarity, and day-to-day functioning. Whether someone is navigating anxiety, depression, burnout, or stress, sleep is nearly always part of the conversation.

A couple of weeks ago, we hosted a webinar focused on the importance of sleep, covering why it matters, how it impacts overall health, and practical tips for improving sleep quality.

If you missed it or would like to watch it again, you can view the full recording here: Watch the webinar.

This blog highlights the key insights from the webinar and offer guidance you can refer back to anytime. This post shares what we believe everyone should know about sleep and how small, consistent changes can make a big difference.

Everyone Struggles with Sleep Sometimes

Sleep difficulties–whether it’s trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up feeling unrested–are incredibly common. Factors like caffeine use, screen time, stress, and even inconsistent meal times can interfere with our natural sleep cycles. The good news is sleep patterns are changeable. By understanding the root causes and implementing consistent habits, most people can significantly improve their sleep quality.

One of the most overlooked contributors to sleep struggles is emotional and mental clutter. Unprocessed feelings or overwhelming thoughts can keep the mind active long after the body is ready for rest. Sometimes people carry the weight of unresolved stress or trauma, which affects their ability to fall or stay asleep. 

Being aware of this and gently addressing these emotional undercurrents through therapy or self-reflection can often release that barrier to better rest.

What’s Happening in the Brain When We Sleep?

Understanding the science behind sleep can help demystify it and offer tools to work with your body, not against it. (Check out this great book by Dr. Matthew Walker - we highly recommend it!)

Circadian Rhythm

Our bodies operate on a natural twenty-four-hour cycle known as the circadian rhythm, which is largely regulated by light exposure. When daylight fades, our brain begins producing melatonin, a hormone that signals it’s time to wind down. Exposure to natural light early in the day helps anchor this rhythm and support better sleep at night.

Sleep Pressure

As the day goes on, a substance called adenosine builds up in the brain. This chemical creates the feeling of sleep pressure–the longer we’re awake, the more pressure we feel to sleep. Caffeine blocks adenosine receptors, which is why it can make us feel alert, but it doesn’t remove adenosine itself. That’s why caffeine consumed later in the day (even as early as mid-afternoon) can interfere with falling asleep hours later.

REM and Non-REM Sleep

Sleep unfolds in cycles that move between non-REM and REM (rapid eye movement) stages:

• Non-REM sleep supports physical healing, immune function, energy restoration, and memory organization.
  
  

• REM sleep is essential for emotional processing, learning, and creativity.

Both types of sleep are necessary for mental and physical health. Sleep cycles repeat multiple times per night, and brief awakenings between them are completely normal. But when we don’t get enough total sleep, we miss out on these restorative phases.

The Nervous System and Sleep: A Closer Look

An often overlooked aspect of sleep involves how our nervous system responds throughout the day and night. The autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary bodily functions, has two main branches: the sympathetic nervous system (responsible for fight-or-flight responses) and the parasympathetic nervous system (which supports rest and digestion). For restorative sleep, the parasympathetic system needs to be more active than the sympathetic nervous system.

Stress, anxiety, or trauma can keep the sympathetic nervous system activated, making it difficult to relax enough for sleep. This heightened state can result in a racing heart, tense muscles, and intrusive thoughts, none of which promote rest. 

As counsellors, we help clients use therapy techniques such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, or somatic therapies that calm the nervous system, shift the balance back to relaxation, and improve sleep quality over time.

Why Sleep Matters for Mental Health

Sleep plays a vital role in emotional regulation. When we’re well-rested, our amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions) is less reactive. Our prefrontal cortex, which helps us think logically and make decisions, also functions more effectively when we’re not sleep-deprived.

We regularly see how improved sleep supports:

• Better concentration and focus

• Greater emotional resilience

• Lower stress reactivity

• Improved problem-solving and decision-making

On the flip side, chronic sleep deprivation can increase the risk of anxiety, depression, irritability, and emotional sensitivity. It can also worsen symptoms of existing mental health challenges.

Sleep also plays a vital role in memory consolidation and creativity. When well-rested, people are better able to make connections between ideas and come up with innovative solutions, a process that happens during REM sleep.

The Impact of Sleep on Physical Health and Immunity

While mental health is often the focus, sleep’s influence on physical health is just as significant. During deep sleep stages, the body performs essential restorative processes such as tissue repair, muscle growth, and hormone regulation. Poor sleep weakens the immune system, making us more susceptible to infections and slower to recover from illness.

In our counselling practice here in Victoria, BC, we sometimes see clients whose physical health struggles, such as chronic pain or autoimmune conditions, are compounded by poor sleep. Supporting better sleep is, therefore, a crucial part of holistic healing.

Tips for Improving Sleep

Many people find that small, consistent changes in daily habits can make a big impact on their sleep. Here are some strategies we often recommend in therapy at Gather Clinical Counselling:

• Get sunlight early in the day (ideally within the first hour of waking) to help reset your circadian rhythm.

• Eat and hydrate regularly to help your body stay in sync.

• Avoid caffeine after midday, and limit alcohol in the evenings. While it may help you fall asleep faster, it disrupts the deeper stages of sleep.

• Create a calming bedtime routine that helps your body and brain prepare for rest.

• Keep your sleep environment cool, dark, and quiet. These physical cues support deeper sleep.

• Stick to consistent sleep and wake times, even on weekends.

• Limit screen use before bed, as blue light suppresses melatonin and delays sleep.

• Try short naps (under thirty minutes) if you need rest during the day, but avoid long naps that can interfere with nighttime sleep.

Beyond these basics, some people find it helpful to journal before bed because writing down worries or to-do lists can offload mental clutter. Others benefit from gentle yoga or stretching to release physical tension.

Advanced Sleep Strategies

For those who want to go beyond the basics, here are some evidence-based techniques that can support more restful sleep:

• Cognitive shuffling: This technique involves thinking of random, unrelated words or images to distract your mind from anxious or racing thoughts at bedtime.

• Caffeine naps (“nappuccinos”): Drink a small cup of coffee or tea, then nap for fifteen to twenty minutes. You’ll often wake up just as the caffeine kicks in, feeling more refreshed.

• Progressive muscle relaxation or body scans: These practices guide you to release physical tension, which can make it easier to fall asleep.

• Warm shower before bed: Warming your body slightly and then stepping into a cooler room helps signal to your brain that it’s time to rest.

• Grounding techniques: Feeling the texture of a blanket or focusing on your breath can help your body and mind anchor in the present moment and step away from future worries.

The Role of Routine and Ritual in Supporting Sleep

Humans are creatures of habit. Our nervous systems and brains thrive on predictability, which is why routines and rituals before bed can have such a profound impact on sleep. This is something we do really well as children (bath, book, bed anyone?) but seem to lose the habit as we grow up. Simple actions repeated consistently send signals to your brain that it’s time to slow down and prepare for rest.

These rituals can be anything that feels soothing and calming. Try reading a favourite book, listening to gentle music, meditating, or sipping caffeine-free herbal tea. The key is consistency and making the ritual enjoyable rather than stressful.

We often encourage clients to design a personalized “wind-down” routine that honours their preferences and lifestyle rather than forcing a rigid schedule that might cause more frustration.

Sleep and Technology: Finding Balance in a Digital Age

In today’s world, technology is one of the biggest disruptors of sleep. While screens provide connection and information, the blue light emitted interferes with melatonin production and delays sleep onset. We recommend creating a “technology curfew” at least an hour before bed. For those who rely on devices for work or communication, adjusting screen settings to warmer tones in the evening or using blue-light-blocking glasses can help mitigate impact.

Technology also directly takes time away from sleep. If you get caught up in a movie or scrolling on your phone, that is time you are not sleeping. It can also be stimulating, which engages our minds in a way that is not conducive to sleep. Consider swapping screen time for more sensory or tactile activities in the evening, such as journaling or mindful colouring, which help calm the mind without overstimulating it.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you’ve already tried improving your sleep habits and are still struggling, it might be time to reach out for professional support. At Gather Clinical Counselling in Victoria, BC, we use approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based strategies, and trauma-informed care to explore the underlying factors contributing to sleep difficulties. (If you’re interested in learning more, check out this CBC Radio program).

Sleep issues can also be linked with concerns such as anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress. By addressing these root causes, many people find that not only does their mental health improve, so does the quality of their sleep.

We invite anyone in the Victoria community who is feeling stuck or overwhelmed by sleep challenges to contact Gather Clinical Counselling for tailored support.

Small Changes, Better Sleep

Sleep isn’t a luxury; it’s a foundation for mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Whether you’re hoping to boost your mood, improve focus, or simply feel more like yourself again, working on your sleep can be a powerful first step.

You don’t need a perfect routine, just one that’s realistic and consistent for you. At Gather Clinical Counselling in Victoria, BC, we support clients in understanding their sleep challenges and developing tools that actually work. If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Sleep can improve, and we’d be glad to help you get started. If you’re interested, click here to reach out to book a free consultation with one of our counsellors today.